Initial suggestions for the Parker episode "Written by Jim"

As e-mailed to me on 6 August by Jim, who hasn't yet got the hang of this newfangled blogging lark - hey Jimbo - get down with the kids!, and lightly edited for clarity by me.

Neil, please find below the first working draft of the Parker episode to be written by me. I have only gotten to the first sequence - I found this writing lark to be more time consuming than I had expected....


Dramatis Personae

Parker as himself (male lead)
Claire as herself (female lead)
Lara (as co female lead)
Chris as Claire's brother and comedy walk on cameo character (ie himself)
Stan as Stan the Man
Benny Hill - as the walk off background character
Jack Wright - as the small angry bald man
Jack Haig as Monsieur Leclerc
David Hyde Pierce as Niles Crane
Henry Winkler as The Fonz

Scene 1 - in the area outside Parker's (tm) flat.

Camera pans up to the building and zoom in to the area of the flat. This is the establishing shot.

Stan: "This should be good!" (this has nothing at all to do with the rest of the episode and Stan probably doesn't appear again).



Scene 2 - outside the font door to the flat

A classic comedy character emerges and runs off - this could be, for example, Benny Hill with his trousers round his ankles pursued by an angry bald man (I seem to recall that happened a lot in Benny Hill sketches). Equally it could be Monsieur Leclerc, Mr Humphries or Niles Crane depending upon budget and availability.

Parker is walking the other way carrying a newspaper and perhaps jovially whistling to himself. He spies the character mentioned above and tuts whilst muttering "Claire!" and shaking his head as he goes through the front door.



Cue - Title Sequence



Scene 3 - in the flat

Claire is - as usual - asleep on the sofa. On this occasion she is wearing a poncho, a sombrero and a large black (and blatantly false) moustache. She is asleep and might be muttering something or other depending upon what she is dreaming about - I prefer something like "Noooo! Not the mechanical octopus!"

Parker tuts again and goes to the kitchen to make himself a delicious cup of tea. As he approaches the doorway Chris appears. It is entirely likely that he is wearing one of those aprons with a picture of a naked torso (male or female!) or possibly a gorilla

Chris T " Hi James!!!!!!, would you like a cup of tea!?" this should be over exuberant and possibly camp as to be completely over the top.

Parker "yes thank you Chris that would be lovely - yes - lovely yum yum one of those for me please!"

Chris T "Righto ho guv'nor! Sweet! What a 2 and 8!" this should be in a classic Dick Van Dyke cockerney accent. For no particular reason there might be farmyard animal noises coming from the kitchen.

Parker "Riiiiiight, okay - listen I'll just be in the lounge reading my newspaper - ok?"

Parker walks back to the lounge - he is of course carrying the Financial Times but he might drop a comic out of it as he unfolds the paper - for example "The Guardian". Parker goes to settle on the opposite sofa from Claire but as he begins to unfold his paper he realises all the curtains are still drawn....

Parker "Doh, it's too dark to read and it's like already 11am on this - a beautiful spring Saturday morning!"

Parker gets up and opens one of the curtains. The camera pans over to the sleeping Claire who is still mumbling as a shaft of sunlight plays across her..

Claire "Mmmfff mmgfrff" opens one eye and looks shocked "Gaaargh! Noooooo!"
Claire convincingly explodes in a fiery inferno.

Camera pans back to Parker now is now covered in soot and possibly lacking his eyebrows. In some sort of comical way Parker's blue shirt is entirely clean and beautifully ironed.

Parker directly to camera "Well I didn't expect that to happen".


Cue Caption - "End of Part One" - The Caption is probably on the screen of a calculator which is resting next to a blue shirt

Unless I'm very much mistaken, and, with this screenplay, I could well be, Jim has exploded one of our leads, brought Benny Hill back from the dead and insulted The Guardian and this is only Part One! Stay tuned for more incoherent action.

Edit: Jim says

Don't forget the sequence in the episode I am writing which is titled
"Claire Turner will return (in Part 2)"

Next time Jim, click on the bit that says "comments" to leave a comment. Blogging eh? It's a mystery to him.