A blog for our amateur sitcom Parker

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Possible Episode 10 ideas

My previous Claire Parker/Life on Mars post along with the season finale episode combined with my random introduction of the idea of Claire as a fan of filmmaking has lead me to plot out the end of Parker (season one).

Or: Episode 10 has Claire marry Parker at a ballet performance in Richmond, while her employer Torchwood moves from researching and combatting paranormal threats into making TV series' about time-travelling policemen, offering her the job of producing "Sweeney - the Next Generation" leading her to move in with the Buttercups . Parker meanwhile goes to work in a pink shirt, changes his career to tube station announcer and jumps the shark. Lara is elected Mayor of London and leaves in confusion over the events in this episode. Chris T is discovered in the ironing board cupboard, snogging his new girlfriend.

This needs a little polishing, but I think it's basically there.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I think we should be told...

I just watched an episode of "Life on Mars" (I missed approximately 50% the first time around) and noticed that the producer was one "Claire Parker".

Somebody, and it's not clear to me who, owes me an explanation (and a set visit for the next series).

Edit: And by an explanation I mean has Sam Tyler actually travelled back in time while in his coma, or is he hallucinating the whole thing?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Parker Outline: Kung Fu Schnee (Episode 2, part 2)

Well, here we are, two weeks after I promised to put this up, and it still doesn't work. Some of it is still in Neil-notes rather than full sentences.

[Continued from part 1]

Scene 6

Kitchen. Claire cooks. Parker fusses. Lara tries to help. Things get spilt, knocked over and fall out of cupboards. Claire banishes Parker from kitchen.

Scene 7

Living room. Boss arrives. Parker fusses. Lara is gracious and witty hostess. Chris T arrives and makes several off-colour comments. Lara sends him to the kitchen with the code phrase ("Ask Claire how the souffle is going") that tells Claire to keep him out the way. Sensei arrives. He is charming and interesting. Chris T returns with a tray of dips and Pringles and the code phrase ("Claire says that she needs 3 more eggs") that says to keep people talking as everything is delayed. The Buttercups arrive. Chris T and the Buttercups do competitive high kicks. Lara sends Chris T to the kitchen with the code phrase ("Tell Claire that her flatmate is an idiot") that tells Claire to really keep him out the way. 3 ninjas burst in. A dance fight breaks out between ninjas and buttercups. Boss is covered in dip. Claire and Chris T enter with something cold and messy which covers everyone in the room.

Scene 8

Claire, Lara and Parker are sitting down, eating the remains of the dinner. Lara comments that it could have been worse. Claire and Parker are not talking and direct their comments through Lara. Eventually everyone calms down. Chris T and his girlfriend are discovered snogging in the ironing board cupboard.

This really-really needs help. I'm stuck. Can anyone do anything with this? Please? The comments are open for you.

Administrative Update

Yeah, another post with no real content. Get over it.

1. After a brief discussion with Stan I'm not going to write full screenplays; just the outlines. I mean, is anyone actually going to memorise their lines? My episodes are going improv around the scene outlines with some key jokes explicitly written.

2. Talking about writing full screenplays, here's a link to the How to write Screenplays... badly blog. Why has nothing happened here? I've been reading How to write Screenplays... badly. What do you mean, how bad can it be? One word - Rapebear.

3. Which reminds me - I'm going to put up some links. Watch closely.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

"Written By Jim" Section 7

Well this turned up in my mailbox on Sunday night. Of course, anyone likely to be reading this will have got it in their mail already. Jim seems to think that my fairly straight outline of the film "Barbarella", lightly Parkerised as "Parkerella" has upstages him. Hence:

Another Parker sequence-Neil if you upload this to the blog please be sure to suitably anonymize the characters!;

Parker is waving his arms about hysterically - he is wearing, of course, a beautifully pressed blue shirt although it is slightly ruffled

As the camera view draws back we see that Parker is plummeting through a beautiful blue sky. It is not obvious how he came to be in this position but is is clear that he is not wearing a parachute.

Camera angle pans and follows Parker as he plummets downward and becomes a speck on screen.

Parker - "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!!!" the sound grows less distinct as Parker falls away

Cut to Parker titles sequence

Return to Parker falling and flailing his arms about. The sky behind him abruptly turns to a green sheet with crosses marked on it. It becomes clear that Parker is hooked up to some wires. He nimbly spins upright and two men dressed as technicians approach and unharness him;

Parker "Well I have to admit it [Pawn Studios boss name] the new special effects generator machine is extremely convincing!"

Pawn Boss "Yes Parker - and it cost a pretty penny"

Parker "In that case we'll have to discuss the tax advantages and implications of the purchase, why this was needed for an 'adult entertainment' film company and...using the company accountant as an extra!" (turns and winks to camera).

parker theme sting 15b
Cutaway to exterior shot of Pawn Studios


Exterior shot of Parker's flat

Cut to shot of Lara - she is busily cooking something flamboyantly in the kitchen. This could be something flambe in a frying pan. To make it funnier she might have on a dainty pinny and a spot of flour on her cheek

A door is heard opening as Parker comes in.

Parker (not yet in sight)"Honey I'm home!"

Lara "Yoooooo hooooo! I'm in the kitchen - I'm cooking your favourite - it's [insert something appropriate here or just make something improbably up] - did you have a nice day honeybunch [ insert a familiar name that Lara would call Parker]?"

Parker " Oh so so - but it had its ups and downs! [winks to camera again and ting sfx on his teeth]

Parker theme sting 15c

Claire (from off camera) "Parker! have you ben using my toothpaste again!? - You've squeezed it from the middle of the tube! Grrr! That makes me angry."

Parker shrugs non-commitally and grins sheepishly.

Parker theme sting 3

Claire "...and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry"

Parker looks more sheepish and opens a bottle of real ale - I'm sure we could give this an amusing name and it may well be that the bottle illustration is something to do with Stan.

Lara " Your boss rang - the one who refuses to ever leave his name or his number fo tell me what it is that you do or anything - he asked to meet with you today, I hope he caught up with you?"

Parker "Well I was able to drop in on him..."

Parker winks to camera - teeth ting etc - again

Parker theme sting 15d

Lara "WIll you stop doing that - you look demented! - your supper is ready, et voila"

Lara waves a silver serving salver under Parker's nose - to make this funnier it may ave on it a lobster or basically anything that is obviouly not what she was cooking.

Parker "Magnificent - shall we adjourn to the dining area"

Parker bows courteously and waves Lara through and out of the kitchen. Just as the front door flies open and in bounds Chris T. He bundles straight into Lara who - for purposes of this scene must be carrying something alight - possibly a candle - as Lara and Chris T go down in a bundle Chris T catches fire. Claire enters - she is painted green - considerably pumped up and holding a tube of toothpaste that has been squeezed from the middle. It is a tube of T's Toothpaste. Chris T bounces back up and;

Chris T "Well ladies - it's been fun - but if you'll excuse me my trousers are on fire. Exits stage left.

Chris T sting 1.

To be continued....

And I have nothing more to say as I have too many other things to do, even without the various late Parker related stuff I've said I would do.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Parker Episode Guide

Parker 10 episode outline:

[Originally posted 07/08/06. Updated 01/09/06.]

1. "Pornography"
(Pilot. Outline posted; script in progress.)

2. "Kung Fu Schnee"/ "Dance Fight!"
(Outline in progress. See also West Side Story and numerous music videos, most recently the Zutons)

3. "The Fallopian Tube only goes as far as Stockwell"/"What is the fear of vaginas called?"
(More work is needed on this concept)

4. "How many hats do you need?"/ "Hataclysm/Hatastrophe"

5. "The unwanted houseguest"
(Everything is in the title here)

6. "Written Entirely by Jim"
(Jim's template now makes up the majority of work on this blog)

7. "Girly Night"
(Concept (role reversal) and main joke(s) ready)

8. "Stan"/ "That's all very well but where are my trousers?"/ "I love it when a plan comes together"/ "Parkerella"
(Currently a dumping ground for ideas I can't quite bring myself to throw away)

9. "Round the Horne"
(Recycle old radio show sketches. Kids won't know that it's stolen. Yay history-less youth!)

10. "The Wedding"/ "Jump the Shark!"
(The wedding is the best idea yet! The plan for this episode was to break the situation so badly that no second series was conceivable. Then we would try and conceive a second series[1])

Update Notes:
Episode 2 is now Schnee, moving Girly Night to Episode 7, and has absorbed Dance Fight. Episode 8 has become a dumping ground for ideas that don't currently fit elsewhere, but aren't quite bad enough to discard. A hat-centred episode is now at episode 4, replacing Dance Fight.

If there are any changes, and I can be bothered, I'll update this post and bring it to the top on a monthly basis. In theory this will give us a place to put comments that aren't about a particular post, although considering the current commenting frequency that's the least of our concerns.

[1] Without anyone dying or using "But it was all a dream..."