A blog for our amateur sitcom Parker

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Parker Episode: Parkerella

Film opens with a spacecraft and someone in a spacesuit. Inside the spacecraft is all furry. The spacesuit enters. Camp sixties theme tune starts up. Parkerella takes off her spacesuit in "zero gravity"; she's in the nip, but we can't really see anything, even if we pause and frame by frame.

Parkerella is given the mission to recapture evil space-magician Spandau Ballet, but she crashes on the planet he's hiding on. After several costume changes she meets up with Par-kar, a blind angel, who has lots of pithy sayings that aren't quite as clever as he thinks they are[1]. They fly about a bit and are attacked by the guard noir in flying ice cream makers. Several people try to pull Parkerella , including the Great Tyrant. Evil space-magician A-ha puts Parkerella into his giant organ which is also a machine that kills by orgasm and plays Sonata for Executioner and Various Young Women[2] but Parkerella breaks the machine.

Eventually Parkerella accidentally releases the evil anti-goo "Mathmos", which looks suspiciously like Stan's Quiff, but her pure heart means it can't digest her. Instead it eats evil space-magician Ultravox and blows up the evil city. Par-kar turns up and rescues her, and also the Great Tyrant, for reasons that seem a bit unlikely.

[In case no one is clear, I'm referencing the film Barbarella]

[1] "An angel doesn't make love - an angel is love" - which would be wiser if we didn't know that he had just been making love.
[2] Hey, this wasn't my idea. You can't make this kind of thing up.

Parker Outline: Kung Fu Schnee (Episode 2, part 1)

Episode 2 : Working title: Kung Fu Schnee

[Note that this episode naturally splits into Set Up and Pay Off. I can't get the Pay Off to work yet, so here's the Set Up. In a day or two, if still can't get it to work, I'll post what I've got, and ask for suggestions.]

Scene One

PARKER is sitting at home, when CLAIRE arrives. CLAIRE says that, knowing of his great love of martial arts films, she's arranged a suprise for him - he gets to film a low budget martial arts film for her, her sensei, and her girly gang, the BUTTERCUPS! PARKER points out that it's she who likes martial arts, films and martial arts films; he like blue shirts, real ale, mathematics and Lara. They compromise by agreeing that PARKER will film a low budget martial arts film for her, her sensei, and the BUTTERCUPS.

Scene Two

PARKER is at work. His BOSS comes in and they chat about work. Many accounting jokes are made. PARKER makes several efforts to distract his BOSS from the details of his work at Pawn Studios, ending up with him inviting his BOSS to dinner. BOSS (plus partner) agree to come.

Scene Three

The Pub. LARA and CHRIS T are waiting together. CHRIS T has some news - he has a new girlfriend! They then gossip about Claire and Parker for a while, noting that they act like an old married couple. CLAIRE and PARKER enter, arguing like an old married couple about dinner with boss and martial arts filming. Some fairly lame gag which works better in writing where LARA and CHRIS T compare martial arts vs marital arts occurs. PARKER reveals that all his mates are busy this weekend, at least if they have to have dinner with PARKER'S BOSS. Eventually the agreement is reached that dinner will occur on Friday, filming on Saturday; LARA will hostess; CLAIRE will cook; CHRIS T and new GIRLFRIEND will come on best behaviour; Sensei and BUTTERCUPS will fill out the table, on even better best behaviour, in quid pro quo for PARKER using his "expertise" for filming.

Scene Four

Phone calls. CLAIRE calls the BUTTERCUPS and garbles the message. PARKER calls his BOSS and invites him in a well mannered and clear way to dinner. CHRIS T calls his GIRLFRIEND and has a conversation about squid. LARA calls her MUM to warn her that it will all end in tears, and she should be ready to bail people out. CLAIRE calls her sensei and leaves a garbled answerphone message.

Scene Five

Spacefiller-Claire's-office-scene to build up anticipation for the big dinner party scene. CLAIRE is working at her desk as lots of phonecalls come in, and one of her co-workers continues to come by and ask advice about the fax machine. CHRIS T and his GIRLFRIEND turn up; CLAIRE is vetting her before the dinner party. She's a smart, attractive, interesting marine biologist, and every thing seems fine. PARKER then rings up and they discuss the menu. PARKER keeps suggesting fish. Chris T's GIRLFRIEND keeps coming up with interesting facts that make them sound revolting. CLAIRE decides eventually to [roast a chicken].

Monday, August 28, 2006

Schnee 2 - Revenge of the Schnee

(Once again, rather than doing anything directly relevant, I've written the sequel to Schnee, starring our friend Mr Schnee. )

Scene 1

MR SCHNEE is discovered by the camera walking along the street in a manly way.

THREE KIDS appear as he walks.

FIRST KID: Hey - it's that guy Mr Schnee. They say he's a kick-buttock kung fu king.

SECOND KID: I reckon it's all bull-feathers.

THIRD KID: No way could he take on three ninjas - he'd be dead doo-doo.

SCHNEE: You kids shouldn't use language like that.

FIRST KID: Shove it Grandpa!

All three laugh.

SECOND KID: Yeah! Stick it where the sun don't shine!

All three laugh.

THIRD KID: You're just... not really... all that good... not fair - you two got the best lines in first!

All three laugh. MR SCHNEE walks away dejectedly.

Scene 2

MR SCHNEE and A GIRL are found together.

GIRL: What's the problem Mr Schnee?

MR SCHNEE: Three kids mocked me. I couldn't use my kung fu skills as they were just kids and my perfect interaction with the natural balance of the universe would be broken by beating up random strangers who mildly aggravate me.

GIRL: I hear that three evil ninjas plan to beat up a random stranger on camera. If you were that random stranger and turned their plan on them, not only would the natural balance of the universe be restored, but when the film is shown on TV kids in the street will respect you.

MR SCHNEE: That's brilliant! What would I be without you?

GIRL: I'm just the Yin to your Yang!

They laugh


Scene 3

THE FIGHT SEQUENCE with THREE NINJAS who in a not very clever bit of post-modern trickery are played by the same actors as the kids.

Scene 4

MR SCHNEE and A GIRL are walking down the street. THREE KIDS appear.

FIRST KID: Hey! It's Mr Schnee! He beats up random strangers!


THIRD KID: And his films are full of violence and bad language! I'm going to be just like you when I grow up Mr Schnee!

MR SCHNEE: Thanks kids. And thank you, girl, for coming up with a plan to rescue my reputation.

GIRL: It's nothing.

MR SCHNEE and A GIRL embrace. ZOOM IN on their faces and they both wink to the camera.


Thursday, August 24, 2006

Adminstrative Update

Nothing has happened here for a little while, which is all my fault (I keep fiddling with two posts in draft). In an effort to make up for this, I've invited Stan to join the blogging team. Then if nothing happens, at least we can blame him.

If anyone else wants to join, drop me a line; otherwise use the comments - it's what they're for!

Monday, August 14, 2006

"Written by Jim" Part 6

Emailed by Jim on 10 August with subject line Tonight's mini episode of Parker.

The setting is Parker's bedroom - he is in front of his dressing table preening. Parker is wearing an immaculately pressed blue shirt - he is looking at himself in the mirror and humming - it could well be the theme tune from "Schnee".

Parker is applying a large grey wig (or possibly colouring his hair grey with theatrical hairspray). He is also applying a pair of large fake fluffy grey eyebrows.

Lara enters "Phone for you James"

Parker takes up the phone but does not speak - he listens intently and we hear a female voice indistinctly at the other end.

Parker "Yes m'lady, I'll bring the car round immediately"

Parker puts on a grey suit jacket (he is already wearing grey trousers).

Parker exits.

to a shot of Claire looking prim in a pink suit waiting outside the flats.

Parker pulls up alongside her in a futurstic looking pink Rolls Royce.

Claire looks smug.

Parker will find an excuse to introduce lines like "yes m'lady"

Cue Parker theme sting 17

...which leaves us with only one question - what is Parker theme sting 17? Sadly Jim hasn't provided us with the reference(s) for this episode, so we may never know, unless he learns how to use the comments section and fills us in.

"Written by Jim" Part 5

Emailed by Jim on 10 August with subject line The Final bit of Parker I can be bothered to write this week.

Parker - an insert scene

Parker (tm) and Lara are sitting on the sofa watching television - you cannot make out what is on but can hear mumbling.

They sit on the sofa for about a minute.

Lara "Celebrity Big Brother is rubbish!"

Claire enters and sits with them on the sofa. Claire is wearing "The Pants of Power".

Parker "True....true"


It's short, it's sweet, it's character based and it's an in-joke... who are you and what have you done with the real Jim?

I caught some of Big Brother on Saturday night and my money's on Glyn, as his name rhymes with win. (Under my theory anyone called Benedict is a sure fire loser in "reality"-TV shows).

Thursday, August 10, 2006

"Written by Jim" Part 4

Emailed by Jim on 9 August with subject line Even More Parker - Part IV "The Return of Claire"

Dear all, this is as much as I can be bothered to write this evening...

Cue Card "Even then"

Parker (tm) is hovering in a narrow metal tube - it is the lift shaft to "Shindler's Lift" Parker has Lara and Claire balanced to his left and right hand sides respectively, they have their arms around Parker's shoulders, he has his arms around their waists. Parker is wearing a pair of rocket powered jet boots. Obviously Parker (tm) is also wearing a blue shirt - it is beautifully pressed and ironed. They are slowly descending the lift shaft.

Parker "Our combined weight is too much - the rocket powered jet boots can't handle it"

Claire "Scheisse! - must be the extra weight of all that gold in the goldschlager messing up my diet."

Lara "Look out below!"

Camera pans down - several SS officers brandishing luger pistols are staring up the lift shaft

SS Officers "Gott in Himmell - Achtung! Parker! Schnell Schnell!! Raus!"

Pan back to Parker (tm)

Parker " Oh crikey!!"

Lara "Fire the rockets"

Claire "But if he fires the booster rockets we'll be fired upwards at an unpredictable rate of speed! - my hair might be ruffled!"

Lara "Fire the rockets!"

Parker activates a small control unit held in one hand - the rockets ignite with a plume of exhaust gases. Parker (tm) Lara and Claire rocket upwards. As they vanish into the gloom above we hear...

Claire " My hair!!!"

Which is kind of a pity as I was hoping for a Scooby Doo style plot. "And I would of got away with it if it weren't for you meddling accountants!"

All our problems are over

This article in Wikipedia is now officially our bible.

(Ironically Jim has used the "celebrity lookalike" subplot, as detailed in the first example, in real life.)

Also: Jim read this.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"Written by Jim" Part 3

Emailed by Jim on 8 August with subject line Yet More Parker, which, again, I won't make the title of this post.

Cue Card - Part 3 - Two Days Later

Scene - a racetrack - the camera pans up and down the track and sees nothing - a roaring sound is heard - a bright blue Caterham 7 flashes past - there is the hint of a calculator motif painted on the door.

Intro - Parker incidental music track 5

Cut to
College Green, London - the racecar goes past the Palace of Westminster, handbrake turns past the green and dives into the subterranean car park.

Cut to scene of underground car park - the camera is positioned so that as the car stops the side and wheels are filling the bottom left hand corner of the screen. The driver steps out - we can only see his feet and and legs, he walks away from camera towards a corridor in the distance. Before we see above the driver's waist camera cuts to;

Reverse angle - in the background is the blue racecar - storming away from it is Parker (tm) (C) - He is wearing a blue shirt - it is beautifully pressed - in his hand he carries an abacus - he looks angry - really angry - if there was a bat in this picture Parker would
undoubtedly bite its head off - he's that angry! Parker storms past the camera.

Cut to the interior of an office. Stan is sitting at a large desk - it is probably festooned with monitors and empty Guiness glasses.

kicks the door in - I mean really badly (remember how cross he is!) - the door flies off its hinges and probably causes some damage - maybe permanent damage - to the armed guard carrying an assault rifle who was standing by the door. Parker strides up to the desk - smashes the abacus onto it and whilst Stan plucks abacus beads from his beard - says

Parker "I will not make any deals with you - I will not be pushed stamped bullied or numbered - my life is my own - I resign!"

Parker storms off again.

Stan "I didn't expect that to happen" - comically an abacus bead falls out of Stan's quiff*

We see the blue car scream off from Westminster - and cut to squence of the car racing through Richmond and powersliding into a car park outside Parker (tm)'s flat (c). Parker gets out and of course his shirt remains immaculately ironed. Cut to Parker going up to the flat in "Schindlers Lift" - there absolutely has to be a redressed sign in the lift to highlight this joke and possibly also a cameo appearance by Oskar Schindler. Parker enters the flat and starts flinging clothes into a suitcase. Claire appears;

Claire " Hi Parker - would you like some Goldschlager - it's got real gold in it you know"

Parker "Thanks Claire - I could do with that - what especially with gold prices being at a historic low"

Claire proffers a glass, pours one for herself and says

Claire "Salut" - they both neck the shots in one hit

Parker "Aaaah luverly" - begins to sway - "ooooooo"

Cut to parker eye view of shot glass in his hand - his vision blurs and focus goes in
and out. He blacks out.

Cut to view of Claire laughing evilly

Claire "Moo ha ha ha, moo ha ha ha ha ha ha moo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"

Fade to black

Fade up from black to another parker eye view - he is in a room and someone is looking over him - all we can see is a face that slowly swims into focus but not enough that we can work out who it is

Parker "(groan) Who are you...?"

Mystery Person "I am Number Two"

Parker "Where am I.....?"

Mystery Person "You are the village"

Parker "The village!?..."

Mystery Person "Let me finish you fool- the Village People festival! you're playing the Guy in the leather outfit - I am playing the Red Indian"

Parker's vision finally clears - he is looking up into Lara's face - she is wearing warpaint and an indian headress


* in light of recent events (ie the loss of Stan's quiff) this scene might need to be reconsidered
** in case no one gets this it is a rip off of the opening title sequence to The Prisoner"

It's unclear whether this is the end or just a pause so Jim can go to bed. To answer one of Jim's queries, I'm sure that a stunt quiff could be found (perhaps borrowed from Dave).

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

"Written by Jim" Part 2

Emailed by Jim on 7 August with subject line More Parker, which for obvious reasons I won't make the title of this post. All mistakes are Jim's except where the original was so unclear my editing was a best guess, and where a change in name in accordance with the policy of this blog has actually changed the tone of a scene (who knew?).

More Parker.....this is as much as I can do tonight...

Cue Card- "Later that Day"

Establishing Shot - "The Hat Company Building"

Stan (to camera) "Hmm hats..Are you sure we aren't filming "Jim" today?"

Cut to interior shot - Parker comes swaggering into the shop. He is wearing a blue shirt - beautifully ironed of course. He is also puffing on a big cigar.

Parker "Assistant - where are the hats - ANSWER ME!?"

Assistant (played by the Fonz) "Eeeeehyy - Cunningham!"

Parker "No Fonzi - it's not Cunningham - it's me, Parker - accountant extraordinaire!"

Assistant (in Fonzi's italian accent) "So you wanna a buy a hat huh?"

Cut to extreme close up of Parker's impassive face

Parker "Yes"

Assistant "What a sorta hat you what huh?"

Parker "A mongolian shepherd's leather tricorn hat" (winks to the shopkeeper)

In a long and not particularly complicated way the Fonz winks at Parker - offers him a suspicious looking hat and ushers him into a changing room. After Parker (tm) closes the curtain the dressing room spins around and begins to descend. It is in fact a lift that takes Parker down about 150 floors.

Parker emerges into an enormous reception - on the floor in huge lettering reads the legend "Bank of Blankety Blank - UN Supreme Audit & Balance Sheet Tactical Command - The Final Form of Account"

Various guards nod at Parker who produces a pocket calculator which he slots into a wall as a security pass.

A thick set man with a beard approachs - he is undoubtedly played by Brian Blessed.

Blessed "Welcome back Parker! - Excellent work on the Enron case! - only special agent Leeson was ever more succesful on a case!"

Parker "Thank you control, what is the state of play with the share price on Stanotron - I don't like their play for total world domination - I think we need to act to stop them"

Blessed " Good news about the share price James. They are in a ...a.....wait for it......DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"*

Sound Effect - BOOOM

Dean and Jim have just blasted their way in through a wall. Behind them is a sign in a vast cavernous space - it reads something like "Last Will & Testament - Law Society Ultimate Bastion of Truth and Justice - Rule of Law Command"

Dean "Sorry!".

Cue Card "End of Part 2"

* - this is obviously a reference to Blessed's role in "Flash Gordon"

Lara commented on the story so far thusly:

I'd love to know what my involvement with all this will be. I'm
anticipating Hattie Jacques and carry on movie type humour!

I myself noted that Jim has not referenced the Italian Job (since last week). What will happen next? Will Jim feel it necessary to point out obvious pop-culture references? Will Stan make more cameos? How can these disparate plot threads be brought together to form an elegant tapestry of an episode?

[Note to self: Check Jim understands the difference between sitcom and sketch show]

Initial suggestions for the Parker episode "Written by Jim"

As e-mailed to me on 6 August by Jim, who hasn't yet got the hang of this newfangled blogging lark - hey Jimbo - get down with the kids!, and lightly edited for clarity by me.

Neil, please find below the first working draft of the Parker episode to be written by me. I have only gotten to the first sequence - I found this writing lark to be more time consuming than I had expected....

Dramatis Personae

Parker as himself (male lead)
Claire as herself (female lead)
Lara (as co female lead)
Chris as Claire's brother and comedy walk on cameo character (ie himself)
Stan as Stan the Man
Benny Hill - as the walk off background character
Jack Wright - as the small angry bald man
Jack Haig as Monsieur Leclerc
David Hyde Pierce as Niles Crane
Henry Winkler as The Fonz

Scene 1 - in the area outside Parker's (tm) flat.

Camera pans up to the building and zoom in to the area of the flat. This is the establishing shot.

Stan: "This should be good!" (this has nothing at all to do with the rest of the episode and Stan probably doesn't appear again).

Scene 2 - outside the font door to the flat

A classic comedy character emerges and runs off - this could be, for example, Benny Hill with his trousers round his ankles pursued by an angry bald man (I seem to recall that happened a lot in Benny Hill sketches). Equally it could be Monsieur Leclerc, Mr Humphries or Niles Crane depending upon budget and availability.

Parker is walking the other way carrying a newspaper and perhaps jovially whistling to himself. He spies the character mentioned above and tuts whilst muttering
"Claire!" and shaking his head as he goes through the front door.

Cue - Title Sequence

Scene 3 - in the flat

Claire is - as usual - asleep on the sofa. On this occasion she is wearing a poncho, a sombrero and a large black (and blatantly false) moustache. She is asleep and might be muttering something or other depending upon what she is dreaming about - I prefer something like "Noooo! Not the mechanical octopus!"

Parker tuts again and goes to the kitchen to make himself a delicious cup of tea. As he approaches the doorway Chris appears. It is entirely likely that he is wearing one of those aprons with a picture of a naked torso (male or female!) or possibly a gorilla

Chris T " Hi James!!!!!!, would you like a cup of tea!?" this should be over exuberant and possibly camp as to be completely over the top.

Parker "yes thank you Chris that would be lovely - yes - lovely yum yum one of those for me please!"

Chris T "Righto ho guv'nor! Sweet! What a 2 and 8!" this should be in a classic Dick Van Dyke cockerney accent. For no particular reason there might be farmyard animal noises coming from the kitchen.

Parker "Riiiiiight, okay - listen I'll just be in the lounge reading my newspaper - ok?"

Parker walks back to the lounge - he is of course carrying the Financial Times but he might drop a comic out of it as he unfolds the paper - for example "The Guardian". Parker goes to settle on the opposite sofa from Claire but as he begins to unfold his paper he realises all the curtains are still drawn....

Parker "Doh, it's too dark to read and it's like already 11am on this - a beautiful spring Saturday morning!"

Parker gets up and opens one of the curtains. The camera pans over to the sleeping Claire who is still mumbling as a shaft of sunlight plays across her..

Claire "Mmmfff mmgfrff" opens one eye and looks shocked "Gaaargh! Noooooo!"
Claire convincingly explodes in a fiery inferno.

Camera pans back to Parker now is now covered in soot and possibly lacking his eyebrows. In some sort of comical way Parker's blue shirt is entirely clean and beautifully ironed.

Parker directly to camera "Well I didn't expect that to happen".

Cue Caption - "End of Part One" - The Caption is probably on the screen of a calculator which is resting next to a blue shirt

Unless I'm very much mistaken, and, with this screenplay, I could well be, Jim has exploded one of our leads, brought Benny Hill back from the dead and insulted The Guardian and this is only Part One! Stay tuned for more incoherent action.

Edit: Jim says
Don't forget the sequence in the episode I am writing which is titled
"Claire Turner will return (in Part 2)"

Next time Jim, click on the bit that says "comments" to leave a comment. Blogging eh? It's a mystery to him.


(As previously noted, we filmed a kung fu fight scene for Schnee, starring our friend Mr Schnee. Here I add some plot. This is on the Parker Site as I'm considering writing a "Schnee" episode)

Scene 1

MR SCHNEE is discovered by the camera striking a manly pose, or possibly doing a weaponless kata of some sort.

A GIRL enters

GIRL: Mr Schnee! You have to help me!

Mr SCHNEE looks concerned

SCHNEE: What's the matter?

GIRL: Three ninjas are going to break into my house tonight! I just know they're going to do something evil!


Scene 2

The THREE NINJAS are planning evil.

FIRST NINJA: I'm going to make a real mess of her bathroom!

SECOND NINJA: I'm going to drink up all the fizzy pop, then put the empty bottles back into the fridge!

THIRD NINJA: I can't top that, so I'll just sit around making disparaging comments about the decor.


Scene 3


MR SCHNEE: Not to worry - I'll make sure those ninjas don't do anything inconvenient and annoying!

GIRL: How? There's three of them and only one of you.

MR SCHNEE: I will use the element of suprise.

MR SCHNEE walks manfully off camera.

GIRL: Oh! I hope he's going to be okay.

Scene 4


Scene 5

A GIRL is standing looking wistful. MR SCHNEE enters, looking very pleased with himself.

GIRL: Are you hurt?

MR SCHNEE: It's nothing. It's those ninjas you should worry about. They won't be back any time short of a sequel!

GIRL: And there's hardly any chance of that! Thank you Mr Schnee!

MR SCHNEE and A GIRL embrace. ZOOM IN on their faces and they both wink to the camera.


Monday, August 07, 2006

Parker Outline 1

Note: This outline relies very heavily on Dramatic Irony, Knob Jokes and Parker not wanting to admit to working for a Pornographer (as an accountant).

Parker Pilot: Working Title - "Pornography"

Scene One

CLAIRE and LARA are trying to wrap a large present of some sort when PARKER enters in some excitement. They spend the rest of the scene trying to hide the present from him. PARKER has some news - he's got an emergency call to do the accounts for a film studio. CLAIRE is filmstruck (starstruck? stagestruck?) and requires that PARKER try to get her a part or a job or something to do with the film. Even make the tea. CHRIS T enters. He has even bigger news - a new girlfriend who we will all meet tomorrow night at the [pub quiz]. He then has to leave a friend has a new[something]. PARKER mocks [something]s, but goes with him to try out/look at the [something]. The wrapping falls off the present to reveal a [something] they've got him for his birthday at the weekend.

Scene Two

PARKER arrives at the offices of Pawn Studios and meets NICKY PAWN, writer, director, producer and studio boss - "I do practically everything except make the tea". He has a variety of hilarious reasons why his accounts are in a mess, how he's lost previous accountants, and how he's tried to pay off various creditors, including, of course, the Inland Revenue. But before PARKER gets down to work, he offers him a studio tour where a new film is being made.

Scene Three

PARKER and NICKY are in a film studio. From a variety of clues, it becomes obvious that Pawn studios make erotic films, although PARKER doesn't twig until just after he's awkwardly put in CLAIRE's pitch. This also casts the previous scene in a new light. Any actual pornography takes place slightly out of shot, of course. After a few knob jokes and disentangling himself from FLUFFY LA BOOTSTRAP, one of London's leading erotic actresses, PARKER gets back to the infinitely more exciting world of accounting.

Scene Four

At the [Pub Quiz] PARKER tries to explain to CLAIRE why she shouldn't go to work for NICKY, but without mentioning that it's an adult film studio. LARA backs him up, but also undermines him ("Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be - you'll just find yourself being pursued by dozens of gorgeous young hunks"). Additionally, everything CLAIRE says is an unintentional double entendre. Throughout this the pub quiz questions have been getting steadily surreal. Then CHRIS T arrives, and, to PARKER's surprise, his new girlfriend is FLUFFY LA BOOTSTRAP. CHRIS T apologises for his lateness - he has a new [something else] he wanted to try out. PARKER mocks [something else]s and heads for the bar. CLAIRE and LARA then reveal that the package hidden under the table is a [something else] for PARKER's birthday.

Scene Five

CLAIRE and LARA are out shopping. They have a short and hilarious conversation about what men want for their birthdays. This leads them past a display of Pawn Studio DVD's (Pawn studio's logo looks a bit like a chess pawn), also London's largest blue shirt section. Eventually they settle on crap presents, but a surprise party, with all his mates. They'll insist on them coming no matter the short notice.

Scene Six

At home PARKER admits to LARA he's been working for a pornographer and explains about FLUFFY. LARA eventually admits she knows Pawn studios make erotica ("Adult films? You mean they show scenes of household accounts and ironing and doing the washing up?"), and tells him he has to tell CLAIRE why he's prevaricating over the job thing. Hugs and kisses all round. LARA stops PARKER from waking CLAIRE up to get it off his chest.

Scene Seven

In Pawn Studio offices, PARKER has sorted out the accounts. He explains to NICKY that he and his friend didn't realise he made erotica and that she isn't interested in a job. NICKY is fine with that, but loads PARKER down with an enormous pile of Pawn Studio back catalogue DVD's as a thank you (Also - "Show them to your friend - she might change her mind")

Scene Eight

PARKER arrives home. CLAIRE tries to delay him at the door. His briefcase comes open spilling pornography all over the floor. PARKER admits to CLAIRE that Pawn Studios are a porn studio, and he's been too embarrassed to admit it. But hopefully it can just be their secret and no one need know that he, PARKER, the upright and non-smutty professional, is the accountant to London's leading and most prolific pornographic film maker. All PARKER's mates burst out of their hiding places to wish him happy birthday, except CHRIS T, who is discovered snogging FLUFFY in the ironing board cupboard.


Parker (Introduction)

So, what is Parker?

[Warning - long post on the pre-history of Parker]
[Cross Posted from Night of the Hats and edited slightly]

Back at the start of February my friend and collaborator Jim went to Parker's Birthday. During this, he suggested that his life could be a sitcom. From what I recall, his idea was that it would revolve around PARKER, a blue-shirted accountant, and his dizzy blonde flatmate CLAIRE, with supporting characters LARA (Parker's girlfriend[1]) and CHRIS (Claire's brother). Why we thought this idea had legs I don't know.

Please note that Parker is 100% fiction, based loosely on a situation that no longer exists.

Many ideas were put forward. The first one still potentially in use came from Stan:

Meanwhile I have a suggestion for Chris T's catchphrase in Parker "Well ladies it's been a pleasure, but I've gotta go." My actual suggestion is that the tag line is "Well Ladies it's been a pleasure, but" and each time it can have a new "comic" ending!
To which I replied:

For Parker, the sitcom - more Chris Exit lines


Well ladies it's been a pleasure but I'm on the trail of a Sasquatch


Well ladies it's been a pleasure but Drew Barrymore is waiting for me downstairs

INT Camera goes to window and...

EXT There indeed is Drew Barrymore, leaning out of the drivers-side window of a car


Get your arse down here Chris - a traffic warden's just come round the corner![2]


Well ladies it's been a pleasure but my trousers are on fire

Close up on Chris' trousers which appear unremarkable

Close up on Chris' face


Not this pair


Eventually (the end of March) I wrote a scene (from Episode 2, Girly Night [3]) which was generally received positively. We then filmed some credits, a fight scene and an improvised scene where we all sat around talking rubbish. The major drawback to these was that none of the principle characters were actually in the scenes [4]. As might be expected we then got into an argument over which of us was to be the Gaffer, Best Boy and Dolly Grip for the rest of the run. A plan to get Stan to photoshop people in at 25 frames a second was eventually abandoned.

Other idea's include:

The sitcom "Parker" should have a duel in every episode (29 April);
Filming of the sitcom "Parker" where a lowly chauffeur to an English
lady drives a pink Rolls Royce in his spare time to make some pocket
money (12 May);

> Somehow I managed to be treble booked tomorrow
> night and so I have
> had to forgo a massage in favour of having
> dinner with Anne's parents and lunatic aunt.
... there's definitely a Parker
episode trying to escape there

(29 May);

Which brings us broadly up to the three weeks ago (developments since then to follow in later posts).

Will we ever actually film anything? Well, frankly, my weak point is writing dialogue [5] and most of my friends aren't good enought actors to improvise well. This matches up with the quality of equipment (no offense intended Jim) and our experience at using them.

But stranger things have happened. And I've already made someone laugh. So it's not a complete waste.

[1] Lara expressed a preference that the sitcom to revolve around her and Parker. She'd not thought through that this would involve literally half a dozen people making fun of her relationship with Parker.

[2] Although Jim was dubious:

Thanks neil.

One problem.... how do we get Drew Barrymore on the team?

[3] Despite it's positive reception, it is tragically in need of a rewrite, not least because I put an entire episode's ration of jokes into a dozen lines.

[4]Crew list from an email on 10 April:
Director of photography

Jim is the creative genius behind the
unauthorised extended edition of the Peter Greenaway
classic "The Cook,
The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover and
Stan". He has produced and directed the
entire run of
"Baldy TV". He is available for private work
Weddings, Christenings, Childrens' parties
and Divorces.

Executive Producer

Neil has produced a number of projects, none of
which have been released.

Third Ninja

has appeared in "You only live twice", "3
Ninjas", "3 Ninjas kick back", "3
Ninjas knuckle
down", "3 Ninjas high noon at mega mountain", "Power
Rangers ninja storm", "Kung Fu Girls", "Wayne's World"
and "Ally

Mr Schnee
Dolly Grip

Mr Schnee has worked
extensively in the crime genre.
He is the inventor of the cheaper and
alternative to bullettime (tm) - the
push-that-camera-dolly-faster (tm) system.

[5] Writing dialogue and putting in footnotes. My two weak points are writing dialogue, putting in footnotes and cribbing from Monty Python. Amongst my weak points are writing dialogue, putting in footnotes, cribbing from Monty Python, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope.